Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
