How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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