I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
