That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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