Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
