the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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