i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
