You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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