I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
