He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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