Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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