Moan for me like Helen Keller
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
