I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Let's paint friendship bongs
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
