I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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