my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
