I met the friendliest cop last night
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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