If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
