ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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