The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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