Swine flu. Run for my life!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
