I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
