I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Congratulations! We have a period
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