Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize