I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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