My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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