All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
