got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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