Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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