My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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