I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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