Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
