he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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