we have pet lesbian snakes
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
