Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think your dad took our porno
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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