so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
