Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
