okay pat passed out under dana's car
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
