I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
