I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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