Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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