I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
