She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize