i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
