i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
