ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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