what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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