I wish I only lived at night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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