Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize