GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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