I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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