I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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