hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
