During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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