you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
