Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
