dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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