I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
