i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
