One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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