Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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