I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
