I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
