new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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